Don’t get me wrong. I will not cash in chips anytime soon. To me life and death is inextricably linked so why not write about it.
I am facing a huge dilemma on coping with loss. On the one hand when a beloved one dies I see the need in saying goodbye, while on the other hand based on previous experiences I know that image will stick to my brain forever. It will even overrule my other memories. Actually delaying the question on what’s best for me is not an option. I cannot postpone the inevitable forever, but for now I just don’t know.
Not so long ago I had a conversation with a friend about his fear of death. At the age of four his mom gave birth to twin boys. One died at birth and the other suffered from a severe illness. He and his sick brother had to share a room. Many nights he feared of his brothers life. His fear was the unknown aspects related to death. Seeing a documentary on what actually happens to a body after death made him more comfortable and helped him to get past his fear.
His consolation is my nightmare. Being very visual I try my best not to think about what’s gonna happen after death. Despite the effort horrible images have already engraved in my mind. If it were up to me all of my belovend ones would be cremated. My final wish is to be buried in a biodegradable urn to convert my ‘end of life’ into a transformation and return to life as a Japanese cherry tree. -Bregje