Childless-not-by-choice II

About a year ago I wrote my first blog on childless-not-by-choice. It’s my most widely read blog. 

It’s been more than 6 years ago when I made the decision to stop the fertility treatment. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. Oftentimes, I was unintentionally offended by hurtful remarks like ‘Get a dog’, ‘You would not stop trying if you really desire to have a baby’, ‘Everything happens for a reason’, ‘You can have mine’ and so on. I was never so hurt as I was then. I still get a lot of remarks vary from silly to really though less comments. ‘Why not give it an other try.’ For god sake I am 47! 

I am frequently asked, when meeting someone new, “do you have children?”There is just no right answer to what seems to be an ordinary question. It is almost impossible to avoid an awkward situation. Either they pity me or they want to find a solution. It’s a situation I have to cope with on daily basis. Accumulation of circumstances like above can all of a sudden be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Usually it takes a good cry to release these negative emotions to pull myself together. 

For a long time I mourned over never been pregnant nor having a baby. However I was happy for my friends to have children, it reminded me of what I would never have. Because of my grieve I did not see what my sorrow did to them. I regret that.  

As I wrote before what first was an open wound in my heart is now an inflamed scar. I am afraid that this grief doesn’t ever go away, but it does change shape.  
First I got upset by seeing pregnant women and new parents getting all high and mighty over their newborn baby’s. Or the times that I felt deeply sad and left to my own devices while friends put their kids to bed and I had to wait around. For long I avoided large number of children. It was therefore all the more distressing to teach toddlers. 

Recently I have no issues being around young children. Over the year ‘my child never born’ grew with me. Firstly because my mourning process started way before I ever tried to get pregnant. I had expected to be married and be a mother to at least two kids by the time I was in my mid thirties. Secondly by the fact that my ex’ precious children, who I do not see anymore, are now 23 and 20 years old. Nowadays seeing parents with teenage children can stir up my emotions. A sudden pang of pain can come over me.

One of the most common connections in our society is having children. There is a whole world out there where’s no place for people without children. The playground, school and sport activity’s, meet ups with other parents and their kids, music lessons, play dates and the like. Not being a mom can feel so shut out. Honestly even though I have a big network of friends I can feel pretty alone at times. 

Dating a father of a young child for a while made me realize even more that dating a man with children adds an extra layer of complexity to a relationship. It means that he’s tied to another woman for the rest of his life. For that matter it so important to me that he is on speaking terms with the mother of his children. Giving birth to a child grants the most precious gift, called life. Ex partners should always keep that in mind. A relationship with a man with children means that his children always should and will come first and I have to adjust my life to it. Especially with young children. It should be that way, they’re children. It would be more about compromise and acceptance from both sides if I would have a child. Not being a parent myself means a lot of adapting to the schedules of others anyway. 

Call me rational for not wanting to fall in love with a man with young children but it is still the wisest option on the table for leading a happy life without losing myself. -by Bregje 

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